I finally felt ready to stop cutting. This feeling came upon me after one of my more recent episodes of self harm. I realized that I wasn’t getting enough from it anymore. And I think I felt like I had outgrown the behaviour, that I had become strong enough to survive without self harm. It was an incredibly relieving feeling.
There was a time when self harm really helped me. It was the only relief I could find from a very painful existence. I try my best to be understanding of that and empathize with my past self, and for the most part I am at peace with my past self harm. I try my best not to blame myself for resorting to self harm, and most of the time I am successful in that.
Often the only thing it seems to offer me now is a barely noticeable rush of calming endorphins. And considering the scars it leaves behind, that’s just not good enough.
It’s hard to imagine never cutting again. It has become to me such a normal behaviour. I wish I could return to the days where self harm seemed strange and scary and painful, and like something I could never imagine myself doing. The days before I was so intimately familiar with self harm. The days when I had only a vague idea of what self harm even was.
I have tried to stop self harming a number of times over the last year and a half. This feeling of readiness is new though. Before, I have tried to stop because I knew that the behaviour is not a healthy way of coping, etc. but it was more of an intellectual thing. Never a feeling inside me that pushed me to let self harm go.
I sort of challenged myself the other day. You see the longest I have gone without self harming in the last year and a half is 2 months. Since then, the longest I’ve made it has been 3 maybe 4 weeks. Currently, I’m at the 2 week mark and even though the thought of going 2 months without cutting myself feels extremely overwhelming to say the least, I challenged myself to try. To try to make it longer than 2 months this time. One day at a time of course.
I know that it won’t be easy and that it will take a lot of effort. The urge to hurt myself arises multiple times a day, everyday. It was present for the couple of hours leading up to writing this post. But I know that I can do it. I did it before and I can do it again, no matter how hard it is.